08:02PM

I've decided i'll stop forcing me to write in this everyday, since it kind of loses it's meaning if i force myself to write without motivation, and that is what is lacking in me the most.

05:13PM

Hey, it's been a long while, i know it might seem like i was here all this time (although i misseed a few days) but i feel that today it's different, i feel that i got a connection with myself, contrary to all of these days, wich i've been living just in auto mode. But i feel as if today i got a glimpse into how it used to feel being alive, i still don't feel any motivation to do anything, so it's not as if i'll start fixing my life or doing something about this, but i feel like this is not an ordinary everyday joy.

I will probably forget this tomorrow and will not do something about it, but i still feel like this is important.
After all it made me have an urgency to write it in here.

(Although that shouldn't be a thing because i am supposed to write everything in here, but oh well.)

09:00AM

Well... i got really stressed with the upcoming math exam and problem guide so i didn't write anything at all because of that stress plus the demotivation i'm feeling everytime.
I don't feel like writing today either, i'll just download some manga, that's why i turned my pc on, but yeah i'm still alive, just that school stressed me out more than life does.

09:28PM

Naruto is a cool manga, and so is 20th century boys

09:14PM

I'm literally falling appart i don't have time 4 updates cuz i gotta sleep early now :broken_heart: im sorryyyy.

11:08PM

Dang gang haven't written anything for this day nor yesterday i'm falling off.
No updates for now cuz really late now

05:53AM

Oh well, i feel like i don't have anything to do at all i think, and i woke up a while ago because of something i guess i will explain in a bit, because i have to explain the past few days

I am struggling a lot to make this, like 20 mins have passed and i haven't written anything cuz i keep getting sidetracked with social media or idk what, it's so annoying

Let's start with friday, that day i went to the psychiatrist, i also played basketball (wich i think i like but i am not giving it importance, i'm just mentioning it because for some reason it was relevant among my classmates?) and that's about it. On saturday, or yesterday, i went to an anime con and it was kind of lame (at least we ate mochis, thye were yummy!)

About the psichyatrist, friday i went in there and i didn't know what to expect, and it wasn't either good or bad, it was just akward.
She was a middle aged woman i think (i'm no good with this kind of things) and she kind of just started asking these questions like "do you feel sad" or asking me when i think about killing myself, wich to be honest i kind of think that sometimes but its more like something random and i know i wouldn't do that, because i believe that even if i can't see an exit, i will someday be able to be somebody and do grat things, so i've learnt to supress that. Overall it was kind of akward, she just did all those questions and i don't know, she was like kind of expecting me to talk to her? like this time she just kept looking at me and i looked at her back and she was like expecting some kind of answer or conversation, and after she noticed i didn't really talk a lot she started stating that i was kind of demotivated, but like, if i don't have anything to be excited about how do you expect me to react?? you were just asking me random questions :sob:
Also the way she talked to me was kind of weird, i feel like she was talking like she was talking to a little kid or something, like she kept using really simple vocabulary like how she asked "do you feel sad" or "how often do you feel sad" i didn't even know how to interpret that to be honest, i jsut interpreted "sad" as "depressed" and anwered (wich i know are vastly different things) but i didn't really have any other way of answering because for instance, i don't know (or remember) how does it feel or what is it like being sad.

After that i felt like, if going with my psychologist made me x10 times more excited, the psychiatrist made me feel x10 times more off, all of these days i've been feeling really off, i doubt it's the psychiatrist's fault, but i didn't really feel any better after the visit... I haven't had any motivation to do anything and i find it a lot easier to just distract myself with other things (things that i don't really feel like doing either).

ughhh i'm struggling a lot writing this, i find myself opening social media or some other thing to distract myself every 5 mins.

And yesterday nothing really interesting happened, i saw some spiked bracelets wich i liked but when i went to buy them they were no longer there, and we ate mochis, it was an interesting experience, they were really weirdly gummy on the outside, and these had ice cream filling, although the original ones come with cream, and i think it doesn't reeally go along with ice cream it was still yummy, i can really see why people can like them filled with cream.

There also was a cosplay competition, and some guys made the gojo vs toki fight from jjk, and after they finished the audience started screaming "kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss" like the fuck is wrong with you people :sob: you're like actually delusional, almost all of the people there were like reaaaaally weird.

The last relevant thing on this was this reaaaaally pretty guy like omg he looked so cool i wanna be like him. He had this kind of gothic look he was so omg i lov ehim.

And that's IT i don't feel like writing anymoree please help.

12:00AM

Well, just writing for the sake of consistency, but i gotta go to sleep, tomorrow i'll talk about how all went with the psichiatrist and stuff.

01:12PM

Dang, it wasn't tomorrow it was today actually.
Well i'm kind of bored, like really bored, i have no idea what to do, guess my Phighting obsession ended

although i have a loooot of things to write in here, i don't really feel the motivation to do anything at all.

12:22AM

I think i just realized i am heavily disconected with what i feel.

10:44PM

Today i learnt some new peculiar info about a friend of mine, i doubt i want to write that down in here, but this is the only thing i can write in order to remember it i guess

This morning my father lectured me in some things i don't remember, all i remember is like all of that corny "keep going" stuff and such, basically saying like i'm a warrior and i can go on and overcome this, he also said i don't need a psychologist and stuff and more things about god and how god saved him.

i don't want to believe god doesn't exist (if he does, im not really following him, i'm just aware of his existence) but if he exists as my father (or the entire church) puts it, then i don't like this god.
Everything about the god everyone depicts is just so human-centered, like all they talk about is how your life changes, how everything will go well, how you are under the protection of god, and like kind of life lessons wich are helpful in an indirect way, but i hate how they are selling it.

The mentality i see of religion on people is just a materialistic one, they just want a better life or something and they start believeing in that? I don't see it that way
How i see god, what i think the evangelism is, is just believeing is him no matter what, believeing in our creator to hope he will save our souls and we are able to enter heaven, you just have to blindly have faith in him, trust in his love and workship him as your creator and god, you are NOT going to worry about your life getting better, you are NOT going to blame your problems on god, neither you are going to pray for mercy once you've hit rock bottom and need help from a divine being, your mortal life doesn't matter, in the way that you are not searching to get a better life, being evangelical is all about believeing, all about behaving according to his rules to be a good person, believe in god, workship him, and knowing no matter what, what your purpose is, knowing that once it's all over, you will be going with him to heaven.

So i hate how people just think of god of something to make their lifes better and being a better person, MAKING YOUR LIFES BETTER AND BEING A BETTER PERSON IS NOT THE POINT, that is only a side effect, because once you are walking down his path, you'll know what is good and what is bad, and consecuently, you'll act acordingly to that.

Being a better person is not the goal, being a better person is just a product of believing in god.

He also started with this things saying like "i'm telling this to you not like a father, but from man to man" wich is incorrect and made me uncomfortable (i did comprehend what he was telling me, but it was more corny stuff so whatever)

I just hate how all he does is just ramble, just talk, and talk, and talk, and keep talking a bit more, and he just keeps and keeps and keeps and keeps talking, AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE (EVEN THO I'M NOT SAYING A SINGLE WORD???)!!!!???
And all i do in the conversation is look at him with a dead face saying "just fucking leave, i'm way more calm alone without you" and he just keeps talking as if i want to hear him??????
Like, in no moment i can talk, it's all a big monologue he wants to give and say how he feels and what he wants to do and stuff and what the hell man just shut up i don't want to hear you, and i feel that if i say something hes gonna say something about it because it's not what he wanted to say about his monologue, cuz he wants to keep talking about it even if it's wrong, and oh yeah don't forget that his personality makes him seem like he's gonna burst out crying in any moment, so better don't say anything to make it happen, even tho the fucking thing hes talking about is assuming i want to hear him, and he also assumes i care about him, and he just keeps assuming and assuming and talking based on those assumptions, even tho all of those asumptions are wrong, and all of the things that are real and the actual things i want to say, are the things he is assuming are false, wich just fucking worsens it because i don't want to be the responsible for telling him the truth, and making him feel bad, so why do i have this responsibility in the first place? i didn't ever choose to be your son, why do you keep doing this? just. Please. Please stop this.

I don't hate my dad, i don't want to hate him, but i know he won't ever accept me, and i don't really go along with his mindset, so i just want our relationship to end peacefully, or just to be left alone, i just want him to let me live my life by myself, and stop bothering so much about me, i just want to be left alone, and just for him to go away from my life, since all he does is annoy me.

I also don't want to hate my mother, even tho she has made me feel so much pain, even tho she has made me into who i am, even tho i hate the kind of person she is, even tho i think she isn't smart at all, even tho the countless scars she has left on me, i still really don't want to hate anybody, i just want peace, i just want to be left alone, i just want everything to go smoothly and in a chill manner, and live my life peacefully, i don't want to harm anybody or feel like a nuisance or a parasite, i know i get distracted and sidetracked easily, i know everything i make is always bad or unacceptable or horrible, i know i can't manage several activities at the same time, i know everything i like is trash, or it's useless, i know i won't be anybody ever if i don't study, i know i don't do anything all day, i know i get tired easily, and i know i am super slow at doing and managing things and i just suck at everything, i know i am useless.
But can't you understand it? why do you keep calling me for help if i am so useless, if you know i always produce bad results, then why do you keep calling me? and why do you just keep reminding me how useless i am? i am aware i suck at everything and i keep making myself feel bad for it, but can you just leave me alone? i would like to help, and i don't want to be an annoyance, but how am i supposed to do anything if i suck at everything? how do you expect me to do things right if i don't know how to do them? i am just so slow and i can't do anything without help, i just want a bit of comprehension, everything is just hard, everything is just so annying to do, and i can't find any motivation if there's no point at all for anything.

Could you just leave me alone? i don't want to be an annoyance anymore, from my experience, i know i can do things, it is really hard, i struggle to get the motivation, and once i do i can't really organize myself, but at least at my own pace, really slowly and making a lot of mistakes, i can try, and i will not succeed most probably, but i still haven't lost all my faith, and trying can still be fun sometimes. But please, just please. Leave me alone. I beg you with all my soul.

I can only make myself get the motivation to do these things by myself, but when you tell me to do them i just feel more useless.

Anyways, tomorrow i'm going to the psychiatrist.
I hope this can help me live a better life from now on, or at least understand myself better, because i don't understand how my mind works and why does it do things i don't want it to do.

I would write a hell of a lot more things, but i am tired now. So good night

11:42AM

Lightspeed entry. gtg in like 3 mins

How difficult is it to just draw everyday something? if i write in here everyday something, why can't i just do the same with drawing?

09:09AM

Ummm... No luck today really, today was.. Kind of and interesting day to say the least.

At school all went fine with my chemistry thing, it was in groups so i'm fine, then after school the project group came to my house and made the thing and uhggggggggggfdjksanefiudasjm,avcd i don't feel like writing at all

I just feel like playing something i don't know i don't want to think anymore i just want everything to stop.

But i don't want to leave this day without an explanation so i guess i'll push myself to it

So i was talking to a friend.
Then my mom came out of nowhere asking if i was fine, like suspiciously worried about me (suspicious, because it's a so rare ocasion, it only occurs when she needs something from me) and started hugging me and stuff while i was laid down in bed, i just ignored her because that was a hell of an akward moment, and she just asked "do you need your mom" in a kind of do you need help way of asking, and after a while she just left the room and started speaking to herself aloud (context: when she's angry she just yells things as if she was just complaining about everything bothering her (wich is everything) she only does this when there is someone to hear her, always complaining like talking behind people's back but in a way so they can hear it, i think that's how i can explain it, but yeah she just does that because she's an idiot who can control herself) about things about me or i dunno i forgot everything i wasn't really paying a lot of attention but she basically was complaining that she always tries to help me or something, and she was criticizing me for being like this, and then she said this generation always complains about the slightest things, and how i have everything, internet, a pc, a house, a loving mother (yeah) and i am just like this.

After that she went on her usual bothering me with things and asking me things and saying i have to do a lot of things (while obviously saying it in an "you're useless" kind of way, can't miss that one) and then she said "And btw go see if you can lift up your energy, i'm tired of seeing you like that, you're always tired and decayed".

I literally don't have to explain anything further.

Now she's inside her room, i don't think it's locked, but that's probably the case, besides, i don't have a reason to go in there.

Probably just my imagination but i also think i heard crying or a really high pitched talking coming from her bathroom so idk.

So yeah, i'm not feeling it, so sadly no website update, don't think i'll have motivation tomorrow either but whatever.

10:11AM

Well, today i woke up and didn't really know what to do exactly so i just checked my phone to see if i had messages and started going braindead and losing time, after that i put some music on and that put me in a better mood to do actually do things, so i took a bath and ate breakfast, and then i got to play a bit of Phighting.

Yeahh.. i didn't quite got to work on the site, cuz i used as an excuse i would be stressed for the chemistry thinge so i got to play to distract myself, so after school some people's gonna come to my house, i guess im gonna do that while theyre here cuz showing off is cool (even if i don't do anything LMAO).

That was my quick morning upd for today, i'm going to school now.

11:07PM

Day 4 Phighting streak...

Didn't do anything particularly relevant today, just random school shenanigans, i also felt a bit better than normal at school (like yesterday), had some drawing ideas, and also had the idea of starting to prepare my obs for recording and streams but didn't really do anything about any of either.

Tomorrow i have a chemistry thinge and i haven't studied but i feel relaxed, the thought is still on my head but i just ignore it, i'm kind of a professional at this point.
I also don't think i will be singing anytime soon at school cuz now i'm not going on mondays since i got a programming course thing so that's cooler mondays from now on i guess (i had hopes for showing everyone circus hop, and also singing live for the first time unu.

I also forgot to mention i talked to my friends again yesterday, it went all normally and i talked with them in a cool manner, it was overall pretty cool everything.

Tomorrow i am going to get working on this site, at the very least i'm going to make some QoL changes to this section, because it's getting quite long to scroll.

11:59PM

Sadly, after i got to my house, i spent all of my day playing phighting....
i mean, i got real fun but yeah, no work on the website or something soooo

Well, i was practicing yesterday all night and part of this morning because i was suposedly going to sing at the school cuz we had a karaoke thingy evaluation going on in the english subject, but the teacher didn't come so i guess we're doing it next week (more time to practice, yayy)

After that i went to the psychologist, it was pretty cool, i filled up some papers and had a nice talk with the lady.
I also gave her my website's adress and she said she was going to read it, so if i'm right she should be reading this some of these days
Holaaa, no me se su nombre :3

Then i got to school and i felt a bit more upbeat than normal, and came to my house to play Phighting xD
I keep saying this, but i really need to make that games website asap

here some cool screenshots of highlights while i don't have the proper site for it

some guy got mvp as skateboard (it's a really difficult character to play) all of us who were playing in the server cheered him up

I got my first skin! Bivekit, a Regretevator collaboration skin replacing medkit with a modified version of Bive! I really like her, look shes so cool and cute :3

09:50PM

Don't have much time, i have all day busy tomorrow so i have to go to sleep early, so i'll try to make it quick

Spent all day playing Phighting, i just love that game
tomorrow i have to go to the psychologist session and i'm going to sing for an evaluation at school so yeah allll day busy

not much else to highlight, i gotta work on the website but i spent today mostly lacking off but i like saying that i just was taking a rest (help i have no idea what i have for school)

11:05PM

Well, back to normal i guess.

i think maybe i just don't know what i am doing right now, cuz the only thing i have in mind while writing these things is just the idea of writing everyday, and writing about what happens in my day? or what i think through my day, but i don't think that's something clear enough.
I've seen people name every entry in their blogs, like a brief idea of what they are going to write about... I wonder how can i achieve that

also i should probably make my number 1 priority making a dev log because that's how i can track this website's progress

Well, for today all i did is just read some manga, play Phighthing and play Brawl Stars with a friend after not playing it for a looooong time

I think i'm developing a really cool liking towards Phighthing, i like the characters, the aesthetic, the OST, the gameplay. I just like everything about the game, it is indeed a really cool game.
I spent some time first trying out all of the characters and see wich ones i like, and to my surprise, it was quite really entertaining, and i got the hang of almost all of the characters :D
I'd probably ramble more about it, but i haven't made the page yet so :P Blehh

I also went with my mom to some place where her boss lives, and we cooked meal there so yeah i was hungry i hadn't eaten all day except for a boiled egg and 2 bananas and it was 5pm.
She also jsut casually said if i wanted to go to either one or another place (another state, as in a trip) for my birthday, and i told her if staying at home wasn't an option, and well, to nobody's surprise she answered no.

So yeah, there we can see how she cares more about what she thinks is best for me, rather than actually listening to me, wich is kind of okay in a general view, but in my specific case it's just devastating, i can't live with it, and it's the reason i am how i am right now.

I think that would be for today folks, don't really have any ideas nor energy to come up with them for tomorrow or for a project or something, cuz it's kind of late and i need to cook lunch, and then go to sleep

Things to do

• Talk about my dad
• Think about what am i gonna tell the psichologist
• Do all of my pending things
• work on website

11:14PM

Woahh i wrote so much today, even if i didn't make any advancements, i really felt like i did a lot more than all of these days. I am finally seeing the use of a diary/blog, this is like so awesome!

And i'm finally getting some inspiration, while letting all of my thoughts flow i had ideas on how to clasify them appropiately and had ideas on how to do that, like with the music i was listening to, the games i wanted to play and things like that, so that is really awesomecool.

Funny thing is, i wanted to play some Item Asylum after this, but omg just look at the time, i spent all of this time writing, i guess i just wasn't thinking about the right topics to talk about? maybe i'm just way too disconected to real life cuz like what the hell i barely did a single paragraph talking about that sh, no more talking about those boring things, from now on i'll focus on games and things that i like >:).

i wanna write the ideas i had waaaahhh im gonna put them into a txt in this folder i can't.

09:18PM

I dunno how to make me actually write about the things that happen in my days, or probably i don't really care about them or don't give them importance i guess, the thing is that if i don't write them i easily forget about them.

I guess i'll just talk about what's going on rn.

I'm kinda just going on at life aimless right now besides this website, i was reading some manga and that's about it.
I told my mom that i wanted a psychologist and she got me with one for monday but i don't really have anything in mind to tell them, i just used to say a lot that i wanted one, and they might be able to help me, but i forgot with what exactly.

Back when i was talking to my friends i guess i had a lot of anxiety or something, i was always complaining and always had something in mind, but now i am kind of empty to be honest.
Might be the reason i struggle to write.

I don't really have any clear goals, all i know is i want to learn how to make artm more specifically how to draw i think, but i like any form of art to be honest. In a way all of this i am making is art, but i don't know, i don't feel really passionate for this, or anything in that matter

I was kind of going somewhere with this website, but i feel i haven't really gone anywhere forward with it, but i don't want to give up yet, i at least want to be able to make a clear goal for it and achieve it, i dunno why i struggle so much with it but well i guess i have to adapt or something.
Besides, it's useful because if i ever make art, this is the best place to preserve it, at least to my knowledge (in a matter of presentation, that is)

It also serves as a log of my current mental state i guess, and how i am or what am i doing at the moment, wich in all honesty, will be the only thing i'll leave behind when i grow up

I also want to work on myself, but, it's just so difficult, i make all of this out of the impulse i get when i feel like i am not doing anything, i don't want to not do anything, yet i can't seem to find something that fulfills me

Or maybe i am just judging myself too much, because i am focusing too much in the outcome and not just having fun in the process.
Like, if i wanna write about the things that i like and make a log about things that i like, and write about the music i like, why haven't i? i can do that even if i haven't found a way to put it in my website.

It's just all way confusing, and even more confusing to explain

This morning i was listening to Phighthing's ost and it was really cool, and rn i'm listening to songs that are in Item asylum and theres this one im listening to right now that's picked my interest, it's called "Newlove" by Sewerslvt
I think i want to get into Phighthing

Let's talk about why i started the website in the first place (why i got the willpower to make it, i already wanted to create it)

The reason is, i stopped talking to all of my friends. All of this was just an impulse (as always) out of anger, specifically because i wanted to explain something about the culture of my country, something i don't really control, it's just my reality, but it became something kind of controversial, because they thought i wanted to state that as the objective truth, and our visions on the same matter were different because we are of different countries, thus, they created a discussion out of something i just wanted to show or teach (just to teach them about my country) and well, i was the only one defending my country's culture so there was like 3 people against me in something i didn't even want to be involved in, and they started laughing at me and saying things about anything i said

Short break, fucking play castlevania, make this to do list like asap dude what the HELL is this i am even going to link it what the actual fuck

this sounds and looks like so actual god damn peak and that guy looks like light yagami it looks so peak
also play dmc :money_mouth: and yakuza and temmie's games and rain world and phoenix wright and the project moon franchise and mario and luigi saga (dude your 3ds needs repair :sob:) and mario rpg and night in the woods

Back to my ramble, if i come up with something else, then i'll just put it up there since it shoudn't even belong here anyway.

i am not that angry anymore after that hot dude popped up in my spotify but wahtever i'll go on i can't let the ramble midway

The reason i got so pissed off is because i always try to be a good, understanding and caring person, always trying to understand the other person's situations and trying to never judge them by those things, wich online specially includes cultural diferences, wich i take with respect and try to understand rather than overlook, with this in mind, there is a lot of moments in wich i didn't understand things, but i tried to politely ask about them and understand them in my ignorance, trying to be as respecful as possible, and alwasy trying to be nice to people has made me feel like i've done a lot for them (or at least for the sake of them) and seeing how they break this respect just out of nowhere for no reason at all and just take that as a JOKE????? like dude, have you known how many times i've had to accept things and try to adapt to them and shut my mouth to be respectful and now you just do this??? and even worse than that, i would have just accepted that, just to that point of it being a joke, i'd be very pissed, b ut i'd have at least accepted it, but not to be pleased with only that, i stated clearly, that i was indeed, pissed off by this topic, and cleared that my true intentions were to just teach them about the topic, but they were taking it way too far into a discussion without a reason, and even AFTER saying that clearly, they just kept on going with their stupid behavior.

baka break

Thing is, i took this as an act of disrespect and a horrible offense towards me as a person.
And after this, i realized that my word and my presence is not something people have for granted, i realized that i can choose wich people are worthy of my words and my time, and if i feel like they aren't i can just not give them the right and it's as simple as that

And that's just what i did, i just took (almost) everyones's right to spend time or talk to me.

After all of the thing, they even sent me dms apologizing for it, because they are my friends and they care about me.

And some might think "Hey, but why did you take this approach if you could have solved all of this peacefully without lenghening this conflict" easy but complex answer

Short answer: me got very angy angy no forgive anymore, they learn lesson

Not so short answer: I've always been, as i said, a caring and nice person, trying to forgive everyone no matter what they did wrong, but this time i got tired, i got so offended all of what i've worked on was so offended with such ease and not even the slightlest bit of care, that i had the urge of doing this, i NEEDED to make them understand, they need to understand that my words are valuable, and they are not something to be taken lightly, they need to understand that if i say something, it is the truth and i mean it
And by mean it, i say mean it

In conclusion, i noticed people don't give a shit about what i say (or didn't (dw bestie i know you care abt me ily <3(u know who u r))) so i said i don't either and trashed em off

This way they'll learn to take me seriously when i talk, and if they don't learn their lesson, i can always trust in my beautiful webpage :)

so that explains it i guess

In case you didn't get it, basically i can freely talk and express myself here without being judged in any way, because either way, i am creating this for myself! If people don't want to see this they just can not to and if they like it they can just keep exploring it and i think that this is the magic about having your own website.

BAKA JUMPSCARE

While i was writing she synced to the song and i think that was kind of funny

11:47PM

I think i am starting to like a lot more notepad++, althought writing with this autoprediction thing is kind of weird, i prefer this like a hundred times better than a thing telling me 4000 errors that i didn't even make like brub.
I guess no more autocompletion and pretty code and live preview and stuff or idk well see.

ALSO I FORGOT TO MENTION ENA DREAM BBQ COMES OUT THE 27TH OF THIS MONTH LIKE OMG >>>>???????????????? THIS IS SO AMAZING WHAT THE HELL :SOB:
AND I JUST GOT TO KNOW YESTERDAY IM SO DISCONECTED FROM THIS WORLD IM CRY.

10:30PM

I Just woke up.
Time to Write.

Usual day, This morning i didn't have Intenet connection so i got to play and finish Oneshot, i don't think i have a lot to say but i still stand by the idea of the log.

School, boring and annoying as usual, in my free time i started to use Phoenix Code, wich claims to be the predecessor to brackets, and i still feel the idea that i am lacking things to write here or i dunno
Havent made any progress towards making anything webpage related (besides writing this, wich i guess could count as an advancement).

7:58PM

I don't know if i am way too bored, tired or just it's something else that i can't explain but i think i am not able to work on anything right now, i think the most possible answer is that i am tired so i'm gonna get some rest and then well see if i can write something (and improve something too along the way!)

11:33PM

Fun fact: for now i'm writing all of this in notepad LMAO.

I just am not really bothering to touch the code atm since i'm just (sadly) focusing on this blog thing, wich isn't helping me much as long as i don't organize what i am goin to write, but i guess it's not that big of a deal

10:40PM

I didn't really do anything today in school, i had chemistry class and a classmate copied the class for me while i played balatro, after that i finished Death Note and then we had physics class, in wich we didn't do anything really, and then we departed early because there was some thing they had announced, thing is, i didn't have to attend too one class so that's awesomecool.

After that i called my mom, i could have come to my house alone but after hesitating a bit she decided that she would pick me up, and i come back from school with a classmate so he also came with us.

Then we stopped at a laundry shop near to my house, and i just decided to go by myself by foot to my house, knowing that she would want to leave me at my house, but i still didn't want to deal with anything related to her (i didn't think much about it, just being with her, waiting till she got back from the laundry shop and such, also i just felt i could get faster by foot rather than waiting for her) and i just came to my house and turned off my phone because it annoys and distracts me.

After that i just got to my pc and was thinking about working on my website but i didn't really have anything in mind so i mostly spent the time reading and really a lot of time watching youtube.
I really would like to work on it to make it look pretty but i think i am lacking clear goals to work toward... As i said earlier, a to do list would help me, but i can think up some quick ideas, like writing about things i like, like Death Note, wich i recently finished, Purrfect Apawcalipse, wich i just replayed for a friend, and in general make a log of things i see and play and write about them i think? but that would start with a log first and then i'd make the webpages, but honestly i should start getting more used to writing first and then making the website accoding to the text. I think it would be way easier that way, but yeah, organizing in a place this kind of thoughts so that i can get to work is my top priority, i dont think it's necessary to make them into my website, but yeah, i need to find a way to organize and write them.

For now i think a simple list can do for just reminding me, today it's way too late

• To do list
• Interests log (Games, Reading, Shows, etc)
• Purrfect apawcalipse ui kind of page (learn css and html dudeeeee)

8:30PM

Dude i feel like i can't get myself to write.
Compared to other people and myself in the past what i write here is barely superficial and it's just a bit of anything compared to what i think i should be writing, i feel like i am capable of doing this more but am i just not focusing on it enough? i don't want it to be something just trivial i want to write what i actually think here and things that happen through my days, and if i get interested into a thought then get more insight into it and start an analysis on it.

What i mean is that i feel like i can't put what i think into words or i feel like i am not opening as i would like to i think.

Also i just noticed i had a thought that i didn't like "Compared to other people" implies that i am comparing myself to others, thing that i wouldn't have noticed if i didn't write this in the first place, so i guess this is kinda helping in a way

10:06AM

Today i started my day really awesomely, not using my phone really helps me a lot, i feel wayy more calm and like i am in control of myself and my time :D, i can do whatever i want without feeling bad for it.

Yesterday i got some really cool ideas for website making but im gonna gatekeep because i feel like i am able to give them a shot.

Anyways, sadly i won't have a lot of time to work on them because as i said, i have school this week and blehh, i'm going in about 30mins and i can't really work while i have the pressure of a time limit (or i guess it's because i don't have any clear goal in mind yet) but let's hope it all ends coolio :).

10:53PM

Ok so, tbh I had forgotten I was working on my site this morning, I was bettin on me having worked on it yesterday.
well, i am not completely sure as to what exactly am i going to write in here, i have a lot of options here, and i need to go slow first so i think first that i'll do is a to do list.
For now i am going to be busy i think, and it's kinda late so i am going to sleep in a while. I'll see if i can get some time tomorrow morning, but progress is probably going to slow down by a lot since i am going back to school (i had a 5 day break but i lost all of my day today).
I guess i am just going to talk about what i expect this site to be and what can i make it, for now, since i want to talk about my daily life, random thoughts (kind of like what people do on twitter) and something called a "scrapbook"? i think it's a really useful and cool concept to implement, and i really liked it.

Also why yes, i got tired of uppercasing my "i"s.

I love oranges (i forgot what time exactly i wrote this

ok so im making this offline just to test yk and stuff, I'm not that certain if this will go to the internet but whatever, if i publish it then hello i hope u like it